The Pressure To Prove
I really have struggled my whole life with perfectionism coupled with being a people pleaser. I think many times as Moms and women we have this pressure to prove that we can do it all. We can be the best wife that fulfills our husbands “needs” 7 days a week, look like a fitness model, and keep the house spotless. We can be the best mom that cooks healthy meals, has them on the perfect schedule, and does arts & crafts. We can have a successful career that if we are lucky fulfills our passion. Not to mention our extended family events and having friends with all their needs. We post on Instagram our kids in matching outfits with bows in their hair and we smile. But on the inside… we feel like we can’t keep up and are maybe even drowning. Our husbands start to notice or maybe not but when they try to help we don’t let them because “We got it.” But really we don’t got it but we would rather keep the façade going because we have the pressure to prove that we can fulfill all the roles and be the BEST at each one. Is this because other people expect it, we expect it, or God expects it? Is it the pressure from seeing other Mom’s have it all together that makes us feel like we should too? Well I’m here to say… NONE OF US FEEL WE HAVE IT TOGETHER. Can I get an “Amen” in the comments?
When insecurity combines with the expectations WE THINK other people have of us… the pressure is almost impossible to rise above. Do you feel like the people around you have unrealistic expectations? Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? Well, only you get to decide if those expectations will control you.
We wait for other people to release us of expectations but you can release yourself. Release yourself from the pressure to prove that you can do it all by yourself. Maybe you can do a lot but you doing your best is enough. Doing your best doesn’t mean you can or should do EVERYTHING. Get comfortable with surprising or disappointing people at times. Today, I made my husband lunch without him asking. I know it surprised him and made him feel loved but yesterday I told him to make his own dinner. I had already cooked dinner for me and the girls. I was tired of cooking and cleaning. Was he disappointed? Maybe but I can be okay with that because I needed a break. When I said I was tired he said, “I got it baby and I don’t mind.” Maybe if you were okay with disappointing someone THEY would surprise YOU! Sometimes you don’t have that extra push in you and he has hands. I am not saying you shouldn’t serve your husband but there are times when you should serve yourself too.
I was watching that movie “Date Night” with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. They are married in the movie and he asks her why she won’t let him help with the kids because he wants to help. Basically she said that when he did help it wasn’t up to her standard and she should be able to do it. FOR THE LOVE OF SANITY AND YOURSELF, let people help you when they offer. I hear a lot of my Mom friends say, “But if he does it the kids won’t go to bed on time or the house will be a mess.” Well, I guess you should never have a break then and there are no options. Come on Mama. If they didn’t do something your way and that takes away from your break then that is on you and not them. Do not hold people to your standard of perfection because just like you feel like you can’t live up to it, they will feel the same way. Give whoever is helping you a chance to surprise you. Maybe they will go to bed on time or maybe the house will be cleaner than you think. Take your break and take it fully. If it goes as you expect, see the late bedtime as them having so much fun and see the mess as you would be cleaning up anyway. If you don’t want people to have unrealistic expectations of you then don’t have them of other people.
Storytime:
I remember nervously coming home from high school one day because I had received my report card. I had always been on the honor roll but math was the hardest subject for me. I got a C and I was so sad. I gave the report card to my parents with tears in my eyes. My Dad looked at it and said, “Baby, did you do your best?” I had been going to tutoring after school everyday and he knew I had worked hard. I said, “Yes sir, I really did.” He said, “Well then that is good enough for me and I am proud of you for working so hard.”
That moment taught me, there is a difference in being the best and doing your best. All you husband, your kids, and the important people in our lives need is your best. Sometimes when we leave the house we give other people our best because of what we want them to see but that’s a whole other subject. Just do your best and let that be enough. If at the end of the day when your head hits you pillow (finally) you can say you did your best, then rest peacefully. Hear God say to you what my Dad said to me, “You doing your best is enough for me. You are enough and I am proud of you for working so hard.”
Sometimes giving our best is taking a break. Even God rested… you can too. After the miscarriage it didn’t cause me to prioritize my family less but instead more. I am glad and saw it as a positive but it was also a way to deflect. As Mom’s and women when we are in pain we just push through to take care of everyone else. Only to realize that we forgot about ourselves or maybe didn’t want to deal with our own emotions. When we stop, we start to feel. We start to feel pain, insecurity, inadequacy, or just freaking tired. You have to stop… rest… feel… and allow yourself to focus on you. You are not just a wife or a mom or whatever role you play. You are YOU and YOU need time to focus on YOU. Whether that’s through waking up earlier or late night alone time (Mine is at night). I promise there is time for you if you will prioritize yourself. When Clay is alone somewhere and I ask him what he is doing he says, “Taking a dip in lake me.” So I say we take his advice go take a dip. I challenge you to think about how everyday you can do something for yourself. It sounds selfish but it is not. My Dad always says, “The greatest gift you can give anyone is a healthy you.” You spend all day doing things for your husband, kids, and your boss at work. What did you do today that was for you? Get strategic about it and prioritize it. Why don’t we stop trying to prove something and start by just living intentionally.
If Mom Win Moments sounds like as a Mom and woman that I feel I am winning all the time… that is not what this is. This blog comes from a place of many imperfect moments and feeling like I am failing but balancing that feeling with what I believe about God. I am striving to live by design and not by default. I know I am not enough but God is and I want Him to fill up all the spaces I can’t. The truth is I have seen God truly work all things together for my Good over and over. This blog is an example of the goodness of God when someone reads this and it actually helps them. He doesn’t expect me to get it right every time. I believe His strength will fill every gap because as I give my best, He does the rest. Oooo… Give it your best and let Him do the rest. I like that!
6 Lessons:
None of us feel like we have it all together. Amen?
Only you decide if unrealistic expectations will control you. (emotionally, physically, spiritually)
You can do a lot but you can’t do everything. Let people surprise you and don’t be afraid to disappoint them by saying “no”.
There is a difference in being the best and doing your best. Do your best and let Him do the rest.
Instead of trying to prove something, just live intentionally.
Rest. Pause. Take a dip in lake ME. How can you do something for yourself everyday?
This is one of my favorite verses and I think is a perfect place to end. Plus, the pictures of my kids crying because this blog is about showing the imperfect times and they cry a lot. ;)
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9
You got this Mama.
- Whitney Jones
