Waiting Well
Well Hi… it’s been a while!
I still love this page and I know my posts have become less frequent. Life is busy… life is hard… life is beautiful… life is a gift… and it’s been a while since I’ve said anything here. Let’s jump straight in. If you follow me… you know we have lost 4 baby boys and have entered a surrogacy process.
I knew this last pregnancy was going to be my last try on my own before it just seemed totally unwise. With all clear genetic testing every time… it just doesn’t make sense. As much as everyone wants to say it isn’t “your” fault… I know it’s not my fault but maybe my body just can’t do it. Maybe God has a different plan. I don’t have all the answers but I just know my family is not finished. So… here we are… and this isn’t what I wanted… this was the last resort. BUT, in the pain and mourning of not being able to carry my future children… I am so grateful it’s not over. I’m so grateful there are options. I am so in awe of the fact that there are other women willing to help someone like me. I am just beyond grateful for that. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
Can we just pause for a second and let me say this?
You know what makes me mad… is when people say things like:
“At least you won’t have to recover after the baby is born!”
“At least you won’t have to gain all that weight!”
“At least you won’t be as tired as other moms after giving birth!”
“At least you won’t have to feel sick.”
“At least you’ll get to look really pretty when the baby is born.”
The list goes on. Now, I know people have good intentions. I know people want to make me feel better and truthfully they don’t know what to say. BUT… I WANT to do all those things and feel all those things. Not having to deal with any of that means:
I don’t get to feel the first time or any of the times my baby kicks from the inside.
It means the baby will hear our incredible surrogate’s voice more than mine.
It means all the endorphins and hormones that are released when you birth a baby to connect you to the baby doesn’t happen to me.
It means I don’t get the traditional bond of mother and child in pregnancy.
It means I don’t get to birth my baby which is MY FAVORITE part and I’m good at that part.
It means a lot of things that I have to continually mourn.
IT ALSO MEANS… This baby is going to have a lot of people that love and care for it. I LOVE THAT.
Anyway, back to being grateful. I really am. You can be grateful though and still have to process. God is in this story. God is answering my prayers. I can’t wait to tell y’all about the “insignificant” prayers/desires I told God that He has answered. I know without a doubt He is leading us and He has heard my prayers. I know my waiting isn’t inactivity… it’s choosing to actively trust and wait on Him.
We have chosen to not share every bit of this journey but we will share some as we hit certain milestones. I told my Mom this week… I started trying to have kids 10 years ago. I can’t believe we still are here but I know God knew we would be. I trust His plans are better than mine. I hope I have been able to say some things that help you as you may be navigating your own seasons of loss, grief, or waiting. As my girls who are 8 and 6 have watched us go through this season… I want them and other people to see and know …
I still believe. I still trust God. I still know He can do miracles. I still know God is good. I worship harder. I love harder. I pray harder. I talk to my kids about miracles more. I love Jesus more than ever before.
So… to my beautiful fellow friends that have mourned… been grieving… and waiting in your own seasons. Let’s wait well… let’s suffer well. In life you’re going to have to wait and you’re going to suffer. Why not do it really well and let it make you better instead of bitter? Choose who you’re going to be… don’t let what happens to you choose for you. Give yourself some power back. So I’ll leave you with this challenge:
Write down who you want to/are going to choose to be in this season and the next. Then be it.
Updates on the future of the Jonesy Fam to come at some point but for now… we will be waiting well.
- Whitney
