A New Journey Begins
It’s been nine months since my last post on here. I feel like so much but so little has happened since. I wanted to share our full secondary infertility journey since this page began because we are looking for a gestational carrier and I felt like this would be a great way to share our story!
In 2019 we got pregnant on our own and had no worries or concerns about the pregnancy or baby. I am high risk due to a blood clotting disorder but with my two daughters everything was normal. At 13 weeks we went in for an ultrasound and the baby looked just as it should but his heart was no longer beating. We did surgery and genetic testing to find out the baby was a boy and genetically normal. I was shocked and devastated. I took a year to heal and process. I had never been through anything like that.
In 2020 and I got pregnant with twins. We were thrilled and nervous. I really felt like it was a part of the redemption story with the baby we had lost. When I found out it was twins I actually had more peace because I felt like God had spoken to me about it before it even happened. I had written it in my Bible and didn't tell even my husband until it actually happened. I went to the doctor for a check up and at almost 11 weeks one of the babies had passed away. Again, it was just the right size but the heart was no longer beating. The other baby was kicking and moving around. My OBGYN asked me to come back a week later and assured me this would not affect the other baby. I had to go through all these appointments alone due to Covid which was really hard. When I left I called my husband and told him I wanted to believe this baby could come back to life. He fasted, my parents fasted, and we all prayed. I went back a week later to find out that the other baby's heart was no longer beating also. My OBGYN cried and I cried. I have been going to my doctor since I was 18 and she has been through all this with me. Another surgery was scheduled to discover the genetics were fine and the babies were boys. Again we were devastated.
After this time we went to see the most prominent fertility doctor in Colorado. I went through his testing and everything looked fine. No red flags or reasons why I shouldn't be able to carry my own children. He recommended IVF and we were going to do it. I had to be cleared by my high risk doctor to do IVF. I went to talk to her and she said she would clear me but she didn't see a reason for me to do it. I can get pregnant on my own and all my babies have been genetically normal. I understood what she meant and decided to take a super natural route instead. The end of 2021 I did Chinese Medicine and acupuncture. After three months of prep we got pregnant. I flew to Idaho to see my Chinese Medicine and Acupuncturist every other week to keep the pregnancy strong. I didn't drink caffeine and I ate everything I was supposed to eat. I took my blood thinner shots on time and all my medications. This was what I felt like was my last and best shot at carrying my own baby. Appointment after appointment everything looked perfect. We did genetic testing and found out it was a boy again and everything looked amazing. We really felt like this was it. After three baby boys in heaven we were beyond ready for our miracle. I started to feel off and asked my doctor if I could come in. I just felt like something was wrong. She let me come in on May 4th of this year and at 13 weeks the baby's heart was no longer beating. Same as all the rest. No answers, no red flags, and no reason to lose another baby. Another surgery scheduled and now 4 babies in heaven. Again… completely devastated.
I had a predetermined response if something like this was to happen. It goes something like this… “My response no matter the outcome is... God I trust you. I'm grateful for my life and all you have given me. I trust you have a plan and that you're sovereign. You know what I want and truly... I want what you want. I want the Healer more than the healing. I want the Giver more than the giving. I want the Savior more than saving. I know You aren't a genie in the bottle and I know your promises for me aren't that all my prayers will be answered like I want. Your promises are that You give joy and in sorrow... you will help me, be with me, strengthen, and carry me. So... before knowing the outcome... I trust You. I've asked and no matter what I trust. “
Having a predetermined response doesn't make the losses easier but it's a choice I've made to trust God no matter what with His plan for our lives which is way better than mine. Which brings us to where we are now. I knew personally this last pregnancy was the last time I could try on my own. Also, with our doctor’s advice and lack of answers we feel this is the best choice for us. I know God doesn’t end stories this way and I honestly won’t allow this to be the end. I may be mourning the story I wanted. BUT I am a testimony of God being close in brokenness, of peace I can’t explain, and of the goodness of God even in this. I see it everywhere and even though I can’t give an answer on how this story ends exactly I do know that He will show Himself faithful. Let me remind us God’s promises are not that you won’t experience pain or suffering. His promises are that He will be with you, strengthen you, and give you peace. His promises are that you will see His goodness because He is good, He is in control, He still does miracles, and HE HOLDS THE VICTORY. Even when we don’t get what we prayed for and we don’t understand why He has always been and always will be a redeemer of what has been lost. He has a plan to redeem it all.
I never thought I would need to have a gestational carrier but I am so grateful this story and our family is not finished. God is the best story teller. I am asking Him to guide every step and open every door in His timing and His way.
We are working with an amazing agency that matches and guides the entire process of surrogacy. We wanted to open our search for a gestational carrier because not only do we live open lives as people and Pastors but we also believe God can do anything if we will stay open to what He can do. If you have been following me you know I want God to use everything in my life. That’s why I have this blog and I have told any of our story. If I can help anyone or encourage anyone I always want to. It is so strange to be in a place of needing someone else’s help to have more children but I am beyond words grateful this is an option. It’s such a miracle and the fact that there are women who feel called to help other families this way is such a sacrifice and such a gift. I cry just thinking about it because I can’t even fathom the love, gratitude, and admiration I will have for whoever carries our baby. Our daughters can't wait to be big sisters and we are excited and nervous to begin this journey.
If you or someone you know would be interested in carrying for us direct message me on instagram and I can send you the agency’s qualifications as well as what we are looking for.
Thanks for reading this and for being on this journey with us.
- Whitney
