March 20, 2020
Today is the day that we would have had our first baby boy, Leo. I think often about how we weren’t going to find out the gender and what that moment would have been like when he was born. To hear the doctor say, “It’s a boy!” and to see Clay’s reaction would be overwhelming. What a dream come true. Even before finding out after the miscarriage that he was a boy I thought about that moment because somehow with all my kids I have been able to guess their genders right before the gender sonogram. Clay asked me when I was pregnant with him what I thought it was and I said, “I will be happy as long as the baby is healthy and I love my girls… but I think it’s a boy.”. I so believe that God is in control and that he knows not only what my family needs and what Clay and I will be best at raising but more importantly who He wants on the earth to make a difference in it at that time. I would say all those things never thinking that one day I may not be able to meet my baby boy until I get to heaven.
I would be lying if I said every moment I just felt at ease about God being in control. The past 6 months have been hard. Really hard. Every day and most smiles feel forced. I get hit with waves of sadness and waves of joy. I experience more fear than I ever have but I also feel more faith and gratitude than ever. It is confusing. What is not confusing though is what my sister sent to me two days ago. She went through a very difficult time in her own life and wrote this quote,
“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried; but carried to help show the way. Your pain is a weapon used by God to free others.” - Keela Craft Ambrose
I wish this could be fixed. I wish I could have changed some choices I made that makes it feel like my fault. I wish this wasn’t something I have to carry… but at the same time I am so honored. I am honored that God uses me and every part of my life. I am grateful for His word that gives us scriptures like,
“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.”- 1 Peter 5:8-11
Not only do 1 in 4 women experience this kind of loss and suffering but all around the world right now people are suffering. They are fearful about the future. We know THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER just like the scripture says but does it feel like a long time… yeah. A lot of people make the statement, “It’s time to move on.” Or “I need to get over this.”. There are some things in life that you don’t get the luxury of moving on or getting over it but you get to move forward! There is a big difference. I will never be over this and I will never just move on, but I can move forward while allowing the Holy Spirit to help me carry this as a weapon to help others.
Today I want to set you free from feeling like you just need to “be over it” or “lead yourself”. Leading yourself is actually knowing how to lean into Jesus. Sometimes we think we are leading ourselves but we are actually just stuffing down our feelings to make it look like we are fine. If you are experiencing pain or fear or any “negative” emotion. It is okay. Allow yourself to feel it and give yourself a place to say, “Okay, I am feeling _________ right now. I am going to allow myself to feel it. Now, so that I don’t stay here what can I do to overcome this feeling.”
I have found that most of the time women are more concerned about others needs and wants than their own. You are the only one that can change how you feel and change your perspective. As an emotional person… I know it can feel impossible to change how you feel but you can because you can always change your perspective. You have to balance emotion with logic and then ask God to help you. Sometimes you need a break for a moment or you need to push yourself in a moment. BUT I want to encourage you to speak up about what you need and want. Does doing any of these things take the pain away… no… not for me at least. What it does is allow me to carry this new normal, while allowing room for the more that God has.
So, how am I feeling today? I feel sad… grateful… quiet… thoughtful… and hopeful. Sad does feel like the strongest in all of those emotions but it’s okay to be sad as long as you have hope too. It’s called lament. It is believing in the power of God while feeling pain. It is a surrender to God when you don’t understand an outcome but choose to keep trusting and believing. It is being frustrated with where you currently are while knowing He cares and is with you more than ever. It is enduring the pain of knowing you serve a faithful and good God, but you live in the world.
My Uncle Denny Duron talked to me about how this world was not Gods original intent. The Garden of Eden was his intent and there was no pain and suffering there. We chose to change that world to one that isn’t under His covering. God isn’t a genie that just gives us our every wish, but does He heal? Yes. Is He our Redeemer? Yes. Does He use it all for our good? Yes.
The same week I was healed from seizures is the same week I lost the baby. The same week I lost the baby my sister in law found out she was pregnant. A month later my sister found out she was also pregnant. All of it is difficult and hard but it is not to discourage me… He uses that to encourage me.
I am constantly reminded of the story of the woman with the issue of blood and Jairus who’s daughter was dying. In Mark 5:25-43 she touches Jesus and is immediately healed but Jesus was on His way to heal Jairus’s daughter. Jairus was standing there watching her get her miracle and waiting for his. He was probably standing there thinking “We should be running to my house. We don’t have much time. Why are you stopping? Now I have to stand here and watch you heal someone else as my daughter is dying?” Around the same moment someone comes to tell Jairus that Jesus doesn’t need to come because his daughter is dead. I can’t imagine that moment. But the Bible says,
Jesus overheard what they were talking about and said to the leader, “Don’t listen to them; just trust me.” – Mark 5:36 (MSG)
I believe Jesus uses the miracles around us not to discourage us but to encourage us. Jesus wasn’t in a hurry because He is not a doctor or a paramedic… we are never too far in our condition that He can’t heal us. The more desperate your situation… the greater opportunity he has to show His power on your behalf. Let the miracles around you encourage you for the even greater God will do for you. It won’t look the same as another person and it won’t be in your timing, but it will be in His which is always better. Just trust Him.
I honor my son in heaven today with this kind of Faith and most of all I trust Jesus with me and with my family.
It is easier said than done but I know we can do it together.
- Whitney Craft Jones
Our first sonogram with Leo! It was so special for the girls to see him and hear his heart beat. :)