Being A New Mom Is Hard
It took us two years to get pregnant with Layla. I had a liver infection and we found out I was pregnant at the ER. My liver was fine after the infection and I was already 8 weeks. With PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), MTHFR, Gestational Diabetes, and Prothrombin Gene Mutation.... I had no idea what I was in for. I had to do blood thinner shots twice a day in my stomach and before pregnancy I abhorred needles. Then came the finger pricks multiple times a day. You could say I got over the fear of needles quickly and began to learn that you really will do anything for your kids. As my pregnancy progressed... I didn’t feel all the things other pregnant people said. Things like, “I already feel so connected and love this baby so much.” Meanwhile, I’m over here thinking, “I hope I like it.” By “it” I mean the baby and being a mom. I didn’t feel really any connection. It felt like an alien or foreign object was in there (just being real). This was the first time I felt like I was failing and wondered if I would be a good Mom. Then people started telling me that once she was born it’s like instant love you have never experienced before. I had so much doubt that I would feel the way they described. Then after an easy delivery... (thank You Jesus) they were right and it was instant love.
Breast feeding... oh it sounded special and so bonding to me. Until, we tried to get Layla to do it. She wouldn’t and after 3 lactation consultants and all kinds of nipple apparatuses... the formula was brought in. There I am failing again and start thinking, 'how long it took us to get pregnant, my health issues in pregnancy, my “wrong” emotions the whole time, and now I can’t even feed the baby appropriately. I had a pretty good case of failure in my mind and the evidence seemed to keep multiplying.
When we left the hospital, we came to see the lactation consultant every week, twice a week, for 8 weeks. We worked on it and worked on it as I cried and cried. Pumping, while feeding her, and getting mastitis in both breasts twice I was failing and I was miserable. My hormones were all over the place and I cried all the time. My Mom came over one day to help me. I had bruises on both breasts from me and my husband trying to massage out the knots with our fists. It hurt so bad to pump, my nipples had blisters on them and I would cry every time. My mom said, “Why are you doing this to yourself? You don’t have to breastfeed.” I said in tears, “Yes I do! It’s what everyone says is best for the baby.” She walked closer to me and said, “You will do what is best for the baby when you are able to be the best mom you can be and that is not done by putting yourself through all of this.”
It was like she turned on the lights in me and I felt such a relief. She was exactly right and in that moment everything changed. I was not failing. I was winning but I had to stop doing what everyone else said was best. I had to stop looking to other people to figure out what I should feel instead of just being okay with what I did or didn’t feel. I am not them and my child is not theirs. Even though there is much to be learned from the example of others... this is my life. I am the Mom and doing what is best for me and my baby may not be what someone else thinks is best.
As a new mom here are 5 things I wish I knew:
If you’re in a hard season remember that there will be an end to it. Not just any end either... one that you will miss. You will miss that skin to skin cuddly baby on you that doesn’t sleep. Don’t wish it away because that season will end. BUT, end the things that need to end, like breastfeeding for me. What is in your control to help you be the best you?
Sleep train. I’ve heard all the reasons not to but as somebody that did, my kids are amazing sleepers. At 5 & 3 they don’t get out of bed without my permission and they have always slept through the night. It was hard to sleep train and I cried but it was so worth it. You have to train them to do everything else... walk, talk, and eat. So why wouldn’t you teach them to sleep. Read “Baby Sleep Solution”. Click the link…you won’t regret it.
Don’t compare what you do to other people and stop caring what they think. Whether that’s vaccines, breastfeeding, sleep training, natural birth, or WHATEVER... you do what you feel is best. You are the mom and you are the architect of your home and family. So, you do you!
Love yourself and be a decided person. Know who you want to be even before you become a Mom or if you haven’t defined it but you are a Mom… define it. Write it down so that when things get hard you remember who you want to be. Do you want to be peaceful, interruptible, consistent, or kind? What kind of Mom will you be? No matter what, if you feel like you aren’t measuring up, LOVE YOURSELF!
Stop being so hard on yourself, disappointed, or whatever negative feeling you feel about yourself. You are figuring this out and no one has all the answers. If you want to compare something go watch some of my Mom Win Moments. Quick Story… I got on airplane and forgot the nipple of the bottle, so I borrowed a gross sippy cup from a stranger and fed my newborn. Could I feel bad about that? Sure, but I don’t. I see it as a win because I found a solution and we made it through.
You are doing a great job. You got this Mama!
Whitney Jones
Layla a week old.
Layla yesterday.