Baby Jonesey #3

Pregnancy is hard. I have two little girls that are almost 5 and 3 years old. While pregnant with them I experienced blood thinner shots in my stomach twice a day, gestational diabetes, and even seizures that didn’t go away after pregnancy. In order to figure that out we waited to try for Baby Jonesy number 3. After 3 years of having our second baby girl, we got pregnant in July of 2019. Everything was going well with no seizures in sight. With this being my third pregnancy, I was instantly showing. Being on stage as a Worship Leader and Pastor, it was hard to keep it a secret. So, we told everyone early. Every appointment, blood draw, and symptom were right on track with a healthy pregnancy. The blood thinner shots, being physically uncomfortable already, and the hope that I would stay seizure free was tough mentally. One night was lying in bed reading my Bible and I read this scripture, 

  “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” 

 Romans 8:26-28 became my pregnancy scripture that night and I told my husband how sweet Jesus was to me to show me these verses. The verse talked about how in our pregnant condition He keeps us present before God and I had a revelation. Not only do I carry the presence of God but so does this baby. So, when I am pregnant, I get a double portion and He is with me in a special way. The Bible here may be referencing “spiritual pregnancy” but when we are physically pregnant, we are also pregnant in the Spirit like the Bible is talking about. In that moment, I knew He was letting me know He was with ME and my baby.  

 We went in for a 13-week sonogram because I am high risk. This has been a blessing in the past because it means getting to see my babies often. As soon as the sonogram began something was wrong. The baby was upside down and I could tell on the doctor’s face… this wasn’t good. She searched for a heartbeat but could not find one. The way that moment felt is almost too unbearable to explain. I was devastated and it didn’t feel real. She let us know that the baby looked like it had passed two days before the ultrasound. With the size of the baby I would need to have surgery to remove it. My heart was broken, and I cried in deeper pain than I had ever before. The first thing out of my Husbands mouth was, “God we trust You.” And while I wanted to feel the same way, I also wanted answers. The Internal Fetal Medicine doctor recommended we do genetic testing. I had to carry the baby for 2 days knowing the heart was no longer beating. This was truly agonizing. Looking back, I am so grateful that the Bible is true and says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT), “His power works best in weakness.” I needed God’s strength in a way I never had before, and He gave it to me. In the midst of those two days I went back to look at Romans 8. I knew God had given me that scripture in this season, but it was not for the purpose I thought it was. It was so much deeper and so much more than how I originally read it. Let’s look at the same scripture again with new eyes,

  “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” 

 As I read it again tears fell down my face and His presence was so tangible. He was helping me, He was with me, He was praying for me, and I needed Him to use this for good somehow. 

 As soon as I woke up from surgery, I was all alone and immediately aware that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. All I could think was, “This is not how this was supposed to be.” I had prayed before I got pregnant and during for every part of this baby and the process. I asked God for little things that I thought He had given me. Both of my daughters were born on the 20th and this baby would have also been born on the 20th. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the summer because I am hot natured and this baby was going to be born in March. I wanted to have my last baby before I was 30 and that was going to happen. Also, the baby was a little boy and with two girls this was beyond perfect. I felt like every dream I had was coming true and every prayer was answered. I know all those things seem silly because all we want is a healthy baby but I also know God cares about the little things. All the sudden, these dreams and answered prayers became a nightmare. 

 Grief is a hard thing to navigate and understand. You can read books and verses like the ones listed. It helps but then the tornado of emotions and human nature says, “But I wanted THIS baby here with me. I don’t want what’s coming next. I want what I had and what I thought you gave me.” Like I said earlier, I wanted to be able to say, “God we trust you.” as the first thing out of my mouth like my husband did but I WAS trusting Him and then this happened. Everyone says grief comes in waves and I have learned it’s truly like the ocean. You can either fight against it with questions and doubt or navigate it with the truth and faith. The genetic testing came back fine and no questions were answered on why this happened. There are some things in life that we just won’t have answers to and being okay with that is hard but a must. What is the point of faith and trust if we have all the answers and everything goes our way? 

 I told my husband that I never want to forget and just move on from what happened.  I want our Son to be a part of our lives, but I have to move forward. Moving forward is not expecting to feel normal because I never will. I have to discover a new normal that will always include the pain of this. I can do my part by partnering with God. How I partner with Him is being open to share my story that is still very fresh with you to encourage you. This isn’t easy but sharing it with you or anyone I can helps me to know that something good is coming from it. I hope He speaks to you through the words He has given me and that you begin to find how He is working it for your good. You are not alone and you can partner with Him today.

My next post is going to be about the 6 things that have helped me so far in grief. Comment below what has helped you in your experience. I would love to hear it!

-Whitney Craft Jones

When we announced Baby Jonesey # 3

The day we knew for sure!

12 Weeks… I know… I looked so much more pregnant than that!

The Day we found out there was no heartbeat…