Top 6 Things That Have Helped Me

Let’s get straight to it. There are six things that have helped me so far that I have learned from family, books/Bible, and my counselor:  

1.      Frame the painful situations you face. How you frame pain is so important. When the tornado of feelings come and the waves of grief start to sweep you off your feet, what grounds you is the frame you set in place around the situation. So, how do I frame losing my son, my Leo… 

 “God, I trust that you see the end before I even begin. This is not Your fault or my fault. You did not cause or even allow this. I am just human and life happens. We have three enemy’s… the world, the flesh, and the devil. In the Bible, You let us know that hard times would come but You said You would be closer than ever in our hard times. There is so much I don’t understand and so many questions I have but Your Word says, “You work every detail of our lives into something good.” Your Word says, “There is no comparison of present hard times and coming good times.” This will always be a part of me and I have a new normal to discover but You are a good God. I know you will work this for not only my good but my families good. So, I am partnering with You in a new way to make sure that is the case. I am not bigger than You and if you wanted my son here on earth than He would have been. Nothing is too hard for You. You are the Healer, Restorer, Redeemer, and the Life Giver. Nothing will ever change that. So, I trust you not just when things go as I think they should, but I trust You even when they don’t. I surrender everything to you over and over again. Leo is Yours and I am Yours. My heart is tethered closer to heaven and one day I will get to meet my little boy. I am so grateful for that.” 

 I encourage you to frame your situation. Write it down somewhere that you can go back and read it when your thoughts and feelings go in a negative direction. 

 2.     You can’t lead yourself through this. You have to LEAN your way through it. Lean into Jesus. Lean into His Word and prayer. Lean into His presence through worship music. I slept with it on for the first month. Lean into people that are safe to express your real feelings. (COUNSELING HELPS SO MUCH! Don’t be afraid of it.)

 3.     Use gratitude as your weapon. What do you have around you to be grateful for? Start a gratitude journal. You can’t be negative and grateful at the same time. Your gratitude will lift you out of any depression. When you begin to have thoughts you know aren’t right… shift them to what you are grateful for.

4.     Don’t compare your pain to other people. Pain is pain and everyone’s stories are different. You can’t say what you are experiencing is less than or more than someone else’s. Just walk through yours and allow yourself to feel it. Don’t shove it down. I told my doctor not to tell me the gender of our baby because it would be too painful. Then I thought about that fact that by me doing that I am shoving down my feelings and trying to make the pain less real. But my baby is real and this is painful. I owe it to myself, my son, and the people that love me to allow myself to feel the pain. You will have to deal with it at some point and there is no better time than now. The people around you will have more grace and understanding in the freshness of the season and most importantly you will have more grace and room for yourself.

5.     Make sure you have a daily rhythm. This doesn’t mean more things to do. I mean, how are you taking care of yourself everyday? What brings you joy everyday? I needed to make sure I was making time everyday to read the Word, worship, and get out or take a walk. I wrote my rhythm down and talked to my husband about it so he could be in agreement. I needed him to be in agreement so he could help me when and if I needed it to be able to stay in rhythm. This gave me forward motion.

6.     I wrote a letter to my son before surgery and it helped me say goodbye. No matter what your situation or story is this may help you to process the loss. You can even write letters to God or just use your journal as a place to get your true feelings out. Not only is it helpful but it also will allow you to see your progress as you process.

Here is my letter:

“My Sweet Baby... 

I hope for the 12weeks and 5 days you were growing inside me that you felt my love for you. That you experienced on some level the love of your Daddy and your sisters. We were so excited to meet you and to make you a part of our family. For the time that we got to sing and talk to you were precious. As for the last moments of your life... even though I didn’t know it was happening... I am glad I was with you. I know more importantly that God was and is now more than ever. You will always be loved... the short 13 weeks I got to carry you inside me will always be precious to me. You are my third child and we will never forget it. God always knows what we will face, and this will only cause me to go deeper into His presence. My heart is tethered closer to heaven because of you and I am grateful for that. One day, I will hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. Even the short time was a gift. I don’t know why our time together had to be so short... but I know God knows. He also knows what my broken heart feels like tonight as I write this with tears streaming down my face. I know you are gone but as I am still carrying your body, I wanted to say my own goodbye. Is it possible to miss someone you never met? I think so... because I miss you. I will miss experiencing you grow as I grew. I will miss Layla kissing and snuggling my stomach because you were in there.  I will miss talking about what it will be like when you are born. I will miss your daddy singing to you in my stomach every night. I will miss seeing you kick on the sonograms and seeing your little heartbeat. All I can say is I love you and I’m so sorry this happened. - Forever your Mommy

I hope some of these tools can help you in whatever you face and that you are encouraged to move forward. There is great joy ahead.

“That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.“ - Romans 8:18-21

- Whitney Craft Jones

(Happy Birthday to my Layla Shae today! )