My Twin Boys
After my first miscarriage God gave me a word. Romans 8 was my encouraging scripture during and after that pregnancy. I was studying one day and I felt God say, “You didn’t keep going. You didn’t read the next part of your story.” So I read Romans 9 in December of 2019. It talks about how Rebecca had twins. I wrote two hearts with two names in that spot in my Bible. Then I journaled about it and wrote “God if this is your plan... let it be unto me.” I thought wouldn’t that be crazy if that’s how God redeems this story. I lost one son and if He gives me twin boys that is so God. Two weeks later my Dad texts me and says, “I think God told me you’re going to have twins.” I hadn’t told anyone and not even Clay what I had written down. Well... a year goes by and I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive and I was nervous, excited, and ready all at the same time. I went to the doctor and almost a year after God had given me that word... I was pregnant with twins.
After a miscarriage pregnancy doesn’t feel like it once did. It’s hard to not be anxious, fearful, and nervous. When I found out we were pregnant with twins though all my fear left because this was like a prophecy being fulfilled now. God would take care of us and protect us. Appointment after appointment it was all going so well. I had to go to them all alone due to Covid but Clay was on FaceTime. The next appointment came and there was only one heartbeat. You could see one baby kicking around and dancing. While the other was so still. The same size but still. As I was leaving I heard her tell the nurse, “There’s only one now.” It was like someone shot me in the heart. I cried once I got in the car and the only thing I could say was “Jesus” over and over and over. With tears streaming down my face and my hands on either side of my belly. I wanted Him to fix it... change it... and resurrect my baby. I prayed the hardest and loudest I ever have. I called Clay to tell him and we prayed together. He called my family and asked them to pray that when I go back in a week there would be two heartbeats. Clay fasted, my parents fasted, and we prayed like crazy. Every morning I would wake up and I wouldn’t even let my feet touch the floor first. Just my knees. This was my way of surrendering and asking God to do a miracle. I went back a week later and not only was one baby still with no heartbeat but now so was the other. I couldn’t cry. I was in shock. In my mind I’m thinking... Why would you give me this word? Why would you do what you said and then they die? This makes no sense.
I wrote this and had read it before walking into this doctors appointment. It was a predetermined response to God. This is what I wrote:
“My response no matter the outcome is... God I trust you. I’m grateful for my life and all you have given me. I trust you have a plan and that you’re sovereign. You know what I want and truly... I want what you want. I want the healer more than the healing. I want the giver more than the giving. I want the savior more than saving. I remember when I was getting my car I felt you whisper, “I’m always gonna take care of you.” I don’t think that meant that everything will go my way... I think it meant in joy and in sorrow... you will help me, be with me, strengthen, and carry me. So... before knowing the outcome... I trust You. I’ve asked and no matter what I trust. “
I got in the car... surgery date scheduled... still no tears. Clay was driving and I told him I didn’t want to talk. I just needed to be quiet. A song came to my heart and so after 10 minutes of silence I turned it on. As the first verse starts tears just begin to flow down my cheeks. I sat there with my two babies inside me but their hearts were no longer beating. My thoughts kinda went like this: I don’t understand and I wish God would have done this miracle but it doesn’t mean He can’t. It doesn’t mean He isn’t good to me. It doesn’t mean that He doesn’t hear me or that he isn’t listening. It doesn’t mean that this story is over. He is still my redeemer, my deliverer, my promise keeper, my hope, my peace, my joy, my strength, and HE IS STILL GOOD. In fact... He is always good. Even in this. Well here came the real tears... the kind you need to be alone for because it’s so loud and ugly but also beautiful.
How could I NOT say that? Look at my whole life. Look at the faces of my two baby girls. Look at my marriage to the most amazing man. Look at the life I get to live. Look at the job I get to do. Look at the fact I’m still breathing. Look at what He did in me last time. Look at How He wrapped His arms around me and walked with me everyday last time. He will do that again. He is still good to me.
I want to know why and I still wish I understood certain things but I trust Him. He has all the answers and holds all my whys. I trust Him so you know what? So I don’t need to know to keep trusting and believing.
I had surgery two days before my 30th birthday and for me waking up from that surgery is the hardest part because the pregnancy is really over. The baby or babies are gone. When I first wake up I am really aware of that fact. Before I went into that surgery both times I asked for her to really check and make sure they are both gone. I want to leave room for a miracle because I believe it isn’t over. So waking up and them not waking me up to tell me that they didn’t have to do the surgery because my babies hearts began beating again is hard. They say, “It’s over and it went well.” In my mind if it’s “over” and my babies are out of me then it didn’t go well.
People like to say, “Well at least you have two other kids. Go squeeze them tight.” I say to them... “You are right and I will but that doesn’t take away what has been lost. It doesn’t make it less painful.” In fact, my kids still don’t know I was pregnant with twins and lost them. We decided not to tell them because the first time it was hard. It was hard on my oldest. When my sisters had their babies she kept asking, “How come they got to bring their babies home but we didn’t?” Over and over and over. I would just tell her I didn’t know why but God has new plans for us. Good ones. It was hard on all of us. I’ll tell them one day but when they can process it better because their brain is more developed. Things are developing in my too to be able to communicate it well.
This story is not over. There will still be redemption. There will still be miracles. I don’t know how and I don’t know when but I know God. My friend sent this to me today and so I am passing it on to you. I believe this for me and no matter what your story is... I believe it for you too.
“I’m praying for you, standing with you, and grieving alongside of you. The redemption story isn’t over, God is not done yet. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that theres so much deep, overflowing joy coming for your family. I know God has a specific plan to redeem every second of the heartache you have faced these last few tough (and unfair) years. Although today is not what we hoped it would look like, I’m believing today is a day of heaven feeling closer than ever and that your heart feels wrapped in the peace of God in a way you’ve never known before. He isn’t done.”
-Whitney Craft Jones
Song- “Always Good” by Bethel Music
You meet me on the mountain top
You see in me in the valley low
There is no home without You here
I find You in the crowded thoughts
You quiet all the question marks
There is no space Your love won't fill
I'll trade all my fear for peace of mind
All my heaviness for burdens light
This will be my song
That You are always good
I'll sing it all day long
That You are always good
When the day is through
I am left with
You are always
You are always good
I set my eyes on perfect faith
You'll finish what You start in me
My heart will be an offering
I'll trade all my fear for peace of mind
All my heaviness, my burden's light
This will be my song
That You are always good
I'll sing it all day long
That You are always good
When the day is through
I am left with
You are always
You are always good
Every melody
You're singing back to me
You're singing back
I’m thankful for the time I got to carry them.